I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
