look no pants
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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