Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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