i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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