A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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