If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
