At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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