Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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