I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
