Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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