Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
