Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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