i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
