if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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