The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
