He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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