i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
