note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
