It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
