I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
