Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
