it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
