Are we in a gay sports bar?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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