im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
