I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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