M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
