I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize