she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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