so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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