When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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