I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
