OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
