My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
