woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
