I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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