Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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