im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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