Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
