I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
