I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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