Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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