Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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