How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
