Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize