She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize