Betty ford says i'm here all night
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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