I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize