Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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