No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to calm my uterus...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
