what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
