i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
