Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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