omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
