Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
