Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We're too hungover to prance.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
