Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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