You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
