God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
