I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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