i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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