Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
