I can tuck mytits in my pants
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize